Screw the Wash, I Like It Dirty
by TheBadIdeaBears
Summary: After an attempt to take more of Hanji's business she storms over to Erwin's car wash to give him a piece of her mind. It doesn't exactly go quite to plan... or maybe it does.


**So for bonfire night Pandora wanted some Erwin/Hanji and a continuation of the car wash AU from the Jeamin story I wrote for her earlier this year, this is what came of it and I hope that you all enjoy it. :)**

* * *

The temperature in Erwin's office is perfect. It's delightfully cool in the summer and wonderfully warm in the winter and now, with a light breeze coming through the open window on a sunny spring day it is absolutely glorious. He's in absolute heaven as he goes through the finances of his car wash, thoroughly enjoying himself.

Business has been booming ever since he decided to introduce bikinis to the uniform of his girls. He has to admit they all look stunning and he'll quite happily suffer the drooling perverts who come to stare at them if it means extra money, extra business and pissing off Hanji to boot. He's quite happy with how things are going and he knows that with the summer coming up it will only get better.

A soft knock on his door has him looking up from his books and at his watch. It's been a while since he's taken a break and it's high time he did. "Come in," he says.

The door opens and Krista enters, the tiniest pair of shorts and a practically see through t-shirt on over her uniform. She smiles at him and Erwin can understand why that lesbian with the freckles is in love with her. If he was ten years younger then he would definitely be buying her a drink if he met her at a bar.

"Ah Krista, what can I do for you?" he asks.

"You have a visitor Mr Smith," she replies smiling brightly, "shall I send them in?"

"Hmm," Erwin pretends to think about this for a moment but he knows exactly who it is who has come to see him. "Well that all depends on who it is."

"It's Mr Ackerman," Krista says confirming Erwin's suspicions, as if there was any real doubt. Levi's the only person who ever comes to see him these days.

"Oh that's fine, send him in," Erwin tells her.

"Of course," Krista says with another glorious smile. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

A thought flashes through his mind – a terrible and perverted thought but one he's going to indulge in all the same. "If you wouldn't mind," he says. "There is a green folder on the bottom shelf over there, could you bring it to me please?"

"Oh... of course," Krista says. "Is it this one?" she asks pointing to the first green folder she comes to. Erwin can't even remember what's in it but he also can't even begin to care as a smirk twists its way onto his lips.

"That's the one," he says.

"Sure thing," Krista says. She bends at the waist in order to pull the folder out of its place and Erwin gets the most fantastic view of the shorts stretching against the firm flesh of her backside.

Before she has the chance to stand up again the door to the office opens and Levi strolls in like he owns the place. He looks over at Erwin, sees that his attention is diverted and follows his eyeline to Krista's backside. He heaves a heavy sigh as he looks round at Erwin again.

"Why am I friends with you?" he asks.

Krista stands, clutching the folder at the sound of his voice. "Oh Mr Ackerman I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr Smith asked for a folder."

"Forget it, it's fine," Levi says, waving her off.

"Here's your folder Mr Smith," Krista says brightly and hands it to Erwin.

"Thank you Krista, that will be all," Erwin says.

"Thank you sir," she says, smiling as she inclines her head slightly.

"Hey Lenz have you eaten yet?" Levi asks.

"I was just about to go to lunch," she replies.

"I bought homemade curry," Levi tells her. "Get some before Brouse eats it all."

"Thank you sir," she smiles and leaves the room closing the door behind her.

"You're so good to my staff," Erwin says once they're alone.

"Because I keep catching you perving on them like a dirty old creep," Levi says.

"Perving, admiring... what's the difference?" Erwin asks with a shrug.

"I think a jury of your peers will see the difference," Levi replies.

Erwin chuckles. "I do enjoy your dry wit Levi," he says shaking his head.

"I try."

"So was there a reason you came to see me or was it just to insult me?" Erwin asks after a pause.

"I've just come from Hanji's," Levi says.

"Oh..."

"Is that all you have to say? 'Oh'?" Levi asks after letting that hang in the air for a few minutes.

Erwin shrugs. "I don't really know what you want me _to_ say," he says. "I'm aware that you spend an equal amount of time here and at hers."

"And I don't catch her looking at her staff like a creepy old pervert," Levi quips.

"I'm sure she does it, you just don't catch her," Erwin says.

"Whatever."

"So you came from Hanji's? And what?" Erwin asks when Levi makes no other response.

"You need to stop fucking around with her."

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"That you need to stop purposefully trying to concoct schemes that take custom from her," Levi says. "I know you're running shit here too but you only opened this place to get back at her, for what I don't know because as far as I'm aware this is entirely your fault."

"I thought a challenge would be healthy for the both of us," Erwin says.

"And she's going out of her fucking mind with all the shit you've been pulling just to take away her customers," Levi says. "You're being childish, the pair of you and this has gone on far too long."

"She still has the blond boy who comes by," Erwin says with a shrug.

"Yeah because he's dating one of her employees now and before he was trying to get into his pants."

"And that's a regular customer," Erwin says beaming.

"Fucking hell," Levi groans slapping the palm of his hand to his forehead.

"It's just business Levi," Erwin says.

"It's not just business and you know it," Levi snaps back, fixing him with the most unimpressed look he can. "It's you being petty."

Erwin places a hand over his heart. "Levi, I'm hurt," he says although he doesn't look it in the slightest. "Would I ever do something like that?"

"Yes."

"So cruel."

"Well you need to hear it," Levi says.

"I don't know what else you want me to tell you," Erwin says. "I'm not trying to do anything to hurt her personally. Everything I'm doing is in order to bring custom to _my_ business. How she chooses to run hers is her own affair. I can't help it if this car wash is more popular than hers because she doesn't have a head for business."

"Fuck off with that nonsense, you shouldn't even have opened this place to begin with," Levi says.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Erwin says with a chuckle.

"Stop it, you do," Levi says.

"Then please enlighten me," Erwin tells him.

"Fine, if you're going to be a dick about it, you're only doing this because you're still in love with her and you want her to notice you after you fucked it up the first time," Levi tells him with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh really?" Erwin asks.

"Yes really."

"Well thank you for that assessment Levi, it is greatly appreciated, honestly it is, but I'm afraid I have to tell you that I still don't know what you're talking about," Erwin says.

"Fucking really?" Levi groans.

"Let me get this straight; according to you I'm still in love with Hanji and the only reason that I opened this car wash is because I want her to take note and fall back into my arms once again," Erwin summarises, sounding bored.

"That's about the long and the short of it, yes," Levi says nodding.

"That could not be further from the truth," Erwin says. "I don't still love her, I'm not trying to get her attention and she's not constantly on my mind."

"If you fucking say so," Levi says getting to his feet and heading over to the door.

"Where are you going?" Erwin asks, amused.

Levi opens the door and sticks his head out. "Oi Leonhart can we borrow you?"

Annie steps through the door a few seconds later looking as bored and unimpressed as she always does. She comes to stand in front of Erwin's desk, one hand on her hip and not bothering to cover up the fact that she's just in her bikini. Levi has already clocked the look in Erwin's eye as he appreciates Annie's figure.

"Am I in trouble?" she asks although she sounds as if she wouldn't actually care in the slightest if she was. It is one of the things that Levi likes about her – she doesn't give a shit about anything.

"Leonhart how did you get this job here?" Levi asks sitting back down.

Annie shrugs. "Interviewed for it."

"And?"

"I'm blonde and I look good in a bikini," Annie says.

"No arguments there," Erwin says.

"Shut up you," Levi tells him before turning back to Annie. "And do you like this job?"

"Not really," Annie replies, "but he pays me well enough because apparently I look just enough like his ex-wife when she was younger to piss her off."

"Really?" Levi asks looking smugly at Erwin.

"That is not why I hired you," Erwin says.

"It is, he told me," Annie says.

"You're pathetic," Levi tells Erwin.

"That will be all Annie," Erwin tells her, waving her away.

"Sure," she says and turns to leave.

"You'll get a pay rise for your trouble," Levi tells her just as she opens the door.

"Thanks."

"Will she now?" Erwin says once he and Levi are alone again.

"All of them will or I go to some kind of board and tell them about you constantly looking at your work staff inappropriately," Levi says. "It's not like you can't afford it."

"Are you like this with Hanji?" Erwin asks.

"She doesn't give me nearly as much trouble as you do," Levi replies.

"If you say so," Erwin sighs bored.

"She doesn't," Levi says. "She just gets on with it so I don't feel the need to report her."

"Then why are you still here?" Erwin asks. "Go back to hers if you prefer it."

"Because, for my sins, I actually enjoy the company of both of you," Levi says.

"Well more fool you," Erwin grins.

"By the way do you still have those divorce papers knocking around anywhere?" Levi asks casually.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Erwin replies turning his attention back to the papers in front off him.

"Oh you know," Levi says casually getting to his feet and going over to Erwin's shelves. He reaches in past a number of folders and pulls out a bundle of papers. Turning back to Erwin with a smug smirk he waves the papers at him. "These divorce papers."

There is a pause, Erwin just staring at the papers in Levi's hand. "How did you know those were there?" he asks after he's recovered himself somewhat.

Levi smirks. "So what I have discovered here is that you and Hanji are, in fact, still married because you never actually sent these off when she told you to."

"I've been meaning to but it's just slipped my mind," Erwin shrugs.

"It slipped your mind for six months?"

"It's not exactly high on my priority list at the moment," Erwin says, trying to justify his actions.

"Because you're still in love with her," Levi says triumphantly.

"No I'm not."

"Then why haven't you sent these off?"

"I've been busy!"

"Would you just fucking stop and admit it already?" Levi groans in exasperation. "Just drop the bullshit, tell her you're still in love with her, that you never filed these in the first place and let me get on with my life because this is really boring." He drops the papers on Erwin's desk and flops back down into his chair.

Erwin stares at the papers accusingly, blaming them for being found so easily when he knows that he should have hidden them in a better place... Or shredded them, he should have just shredded them. Hell he even signed them but when it came to posting them it all became too real. He couldn't face actually doing it so he hid them in his shelves and just fed Hanji whatever excuse he could think of whenever she asked about them.

Levi's actually got him spot on (and he should do considering that they've known each other since they were teenagers) but there is no way in hell that he'll admit it. For one thing Levi will be absolutely insufferable if he finds out and for another Erwin knows that it's highly unlikely that Hanji would actually hear him out long enough for him to explain himself.

Finally Erwin looks up to Levi and raises an eyebrow at him. "You know I think your love life must be incredibly dull if you're this interested in mine," he says. "How is the child you're dating?"

"He's twenty-five," Levi snaps.

"Oh so he's old enough to drive then," Erwin smirks. If he can turn this around on Levi then he can get away with not admitting to his feelings. "And what's the age difference between the two of you?"

"Shut your dick," Levi snaps.

"Witty."

"So are you going to admit to Hanji that you still love her or not?" Levi asks grumpily.

"I'm going to go with no in this instance," Erwin replies cheerily.

Levi rolls his eyes. "Fucking hopeless."

* * *

Business has not exactly been booming over at 'Hanji's Wet Dreams' but she always has a nasty shock whenever she goes over the books. Each month the outcome seems to get bleaker and bleaker and she knows that she's going to have to do something quickly or file for bankruptcy. If Erwin actually started paying what he promised from the divorce then she'd be fine but so far she hasn't heard anything about whether it's gone through or not.

She groans, dropping her pen, and places her head in her hands. This is a disaster! Maybe she should have taken Moblit's advice and gone into investment banking or some boring shit like that. What idiot opens a car wash in the middle of a recession anyway? … She does apparently. The thing that really gets to her the most is she knows things would be absolutely fine if it wasn't for Erwin across the road. Sneaky bastard, just doing this to get in her way and piss her off by taking her business.

With a sigh she gets to her feet and heads over to the door of her office. If she's going to try and fight him she's going to have to pull out the big guns. She's going to need all the help she can get on top of that. She opens the door to find Jean and Connie cleaning the reception area while Levi flicks through the newspaper.

"Hey guys how's it all going in here?"

Levi barely even looks up from the newspaper. "I'm amazed these two are allowed to clean cars, they're so useless at it."

"No we're not," Connie protests.

"No, he's right we do suck," Jean says. "We're better with cars."

"That's alright, that is what I pay you for," Hanji says with a grin.

"Clearly too much," Levi mutters darkly.

"I pay them the same rate as I pay you," Hanji tells him, with an unimpressed raised eyebrow.

That has Levi looking up and paying attention. "You don't pay them enough."

"There we go," Hanji says smiling derisively. "Having said that I do need to talk to you guys about something."

"Does this mean we need to keep cleaning?" Connie asks and receives a clip round the back of the head from Jean for his trouble.

"Shut up idiot, we've only been at this for ten minutes," he says rolling his eyes. "What do you need Hanji?"

"Well I've been going over our books and things are getting a little dire so I need some help with a few ways to drum us up some extra business," she replies.

"That seems fair," Jean says.

"What about Armin?" Hanji asks hopefully. "He gave us some great business and I haven't seen him in a while."

Jean rubs the back of his neck, cheeks red. "Yeah now we're dating he doesn't need to try and get my attention."

"Not that he didn't have it already," Connie teases, nudging Jean in the ribs.

"Shut up," Jean says. "Either way he's having his car washed at the same frequency as normal people so you'll probably see him in a couple of weeks."

"As long as we haven't lost him to over the road," Hanji says with a sigh of relief.

"Is that where everyone's going?" Connie asks.

"Unfortunately," Hanji replies. "Levi what about your lad, Eren is it?"

"Doesn't have a car," Levi replies, his attention back on his newspaper.

"Then you're no help," Hanji tells him.

"Soz."

"Connie how about you?" Hanji asks in a last ditch attempt. "You've got a girlfriend right?"

"She works over the road," Connie replies.

"What?" Hanji cries.

"In my defence I didn't know she worked there when I asked her out," Connie says. "Also she brings her Land Rover over here when she wants it washed."

"Is this the deer in the boot?" Hanji asks, grimacing.

Connie opens and closes his mouth a few times as he tries to think of the best way to answer that. "In her defence," he says finally, "that was only one time."

"Still gross though dude," Jean says.

"I mean if you guys have any suggestions about how we can drum up some more business," Hanji says, "I'd be really happy to hear them."

"Thing is I don't know how we can compete with hot girls in bikinis," Connie says with a shrug.

"You can go back to wearing swimsuits too," Hanji says, a Cheshire Cat grin on her face.

"Please no, it gets cold," Jean whimpers.

"Don't be such a baby," Levi tells him.

"We're going to _have_ to try and compete with hot girls in bikinis if we're going to keep up with my shit bag of an ex-husband," Hanji says, ignoring Jean and Levi. "Maybe it's time to start whoring out Reiner, he's got huge muscles..."

"Oh," Connie exclaims as if suddenly remembering, "your shit bag of an ex-husband offered me a job."

"What?" Hanji asks.

"He came up to me a couple of weeks ago when I went to pick up Sasha and he asked me if I wanted a job at his place and that he'd pay me more," Connie says.

"What?!" Hanji screeches.

"Actually yeah," Jean adds, "he came up to me and asked me the same thing."

"What?!" Hanji is getting more and more shrill with each passing second the angrier she gets.

"Obviously we said no," Jean says. "We like working here and we're both more loyal than to jump ship at the first signs of trouble."

"Did you know about this?" Hanji asks, rounding on Levi who just shrugs.

"First I've heard of it."

"You mean he hasn't said anything to you when you've been over there?"

"Not a word."

Hanji turns back to Jean and Connie. "So he's offered both of you jobs at his place with better pay?"

"Yeah," Jean admits.

"But like Jean said we both turned him down," Connie says hurriedly.

"Sorry we didn't say anything," Jean says, "we both just thought that there was no point as we both declined and didn't want to cause a fuss."

"He was really insistent though," Connie says.

"Dude shut up!" Jean hisses but Connie's on a roll and no longer listening.

"He was going on about how he was going to pay us more and that there was no point sticking with a failing business like this," Connie continues without thinking.

"Dude," Jean groans.

"What?!" Hanji screeches again.

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you," Jean says again. He's never seen Hanji this angry before and it's deeply unsettling to see the usual happy-go-lucky mask slipping "I think he was hoping that we would tell you before now just to piss you off."

"Right that does it," Hanji growls.

"What are you doing?" Levi asks as she grabs her keys from the desk next to him.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Hanji snaps. "I'm going to talk to Erwin."

"I really don't think that's such a good idea," Levi tells her, "not when you're this pissed. At least wait until you've calmed down before you rip him a new asshole."

"No I'm going to rip him a new asshole now!" Hanji screeches clearly fuming and nothing about to derail her, regardless of what Levi says. She storms over to the door and wrenches it open, almost pulling it off it's hinges. "I'll be back soon, this shouldn't take too long!"

Levi gets to his feet and darts after her. "Wait Four-Eyes just think about this for a second!"

"Why should I?" Hanji yells, rounding on him. "He knew exactly what he was doing when he tried to poach my staff just like he's always known exactly what he's doing and he knows that it's just going to piss me off so why should I spare his feelings?"

"I'm not saying do that _because_ it will spare his feelings," Levi says, "quite frankly he's an idiot and deserves everything he gets."

"Then let me go," Hanji says yanking her wrist out of his grasp.

"But really who is going to be more upset by you going over there to scream at him – you or him?" Levi asks. "You know what he's like so why would you want to put yourself through that when you know it won't do any good?"

"Because if I don't then he's going to keep doing things like this until he's actually put me out of business," Hanji says. "I've let him get away with this shit for far too long now and if I don't try to resolve this then he's going to keep doing it."

"Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind and wait until you've stopped shitting a brick?" Levi asks, sighing.

"No," Hanji snaps and storms across the court yard towards Erwin's.

Levi watches her as she crosses the road and heads for Erwin's front door. He sighs to himself and shakes his head. "Can't say I didn't try."

* * *

Erwin is at his desk, enjoying the relaxing sounds of Vivaldi coming from the radio and trying to put off doing any actual work when there is a knock at the door. He picks up his pen and a random stack of papers from the desk in front of him to make it look as if he's been doing something. "Come in," he calls absently.

The door opens and Sasha enters, shorts covering her bikini bottoms and an open shirt over her shoulders. "Sorry to bother you Mr Smith but you have a very angry visitor waiting for you," she says.

"Is it Levi?" Erwin asks, unsure who would be angry and wanting to see him – he hasn't had any complaints at all since he introduced the bikinis as part of the mandatory uniforms.

"No," Sasha says. "It's your ex-wife."

"Oh..." That Erwin wasn't expecting. In all the time he's owned this car wash Hanji has been over twice. Once when he opened to demand why he was opening an identical business across the road from hers and once to drop off the divorce papers for him to sign.

"Shall I tell her that you're not here?" Sasha asks when he doesn't say anything else. "It's probably going to make her madder."

"No send her in," Erwin says.

"Pardon?"

A smirk spreads over Erwin's lips and he puts down the papers that he hadn't been reading. "Send her in," he says. "I'm sure if she's come here just to see me then it must be important."

"Okay if you're sure," Sasha says looking worried. "If I were you I'd maybe put that letter opener away, just in case she tries to stab you with it."

"I'm sure I can handle it," Erwin says smirking. "Thank you Sasha."

"If you're sure," Sasha says with a shrug. Clearly she thinks that it's Erwin's funeral and any sane person would think the same but Erwin is perfectly calm and collected. Aside from the fact that this is what he's wanted for a very long time – Hanji in his office screaming at him – he's been married to her, he knows how to deal with her passionate tendencies.

Once Sasha has left it's only half a minute before Hanji storms through his office door, slamming it closed behind her. She stomps over to the desk and leans over it, glaring at Erwin, rage radiating off her. "What the hell do you think you're playing at?"

"Afternoon darling, fancy seeing you here," Erwin says with a smirk, completely unflinching in the face of such incandescent rage.

"Don't you 'darling' me," Hanji snarls. "I am not in the mood to play around here."

"Oh was there something that you wanted because if you'd like a meeting I can have my secretary set an appointment for you," Erwin says still smirking up at her. "I must warn you though I am incredibly busy over the next few months."

"So help me god if you keep talking I'm going to strangle you," Hanji hisses.

"Well..." Erwin says in fake shock, pretending to be affronted, "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to that."

"Why are you still like this?" Hanji ask wringing her hands in exasperation. "It's bad enough that you were constantly pulling this shit when we were married and you're still doing it now!"

"Did you have a point in coming over here this afternoon," Erwin asks raising an eyebrow at her, "or was it solely for the purpose of insulting me?"

"No I came here for a reason and you bloody well know why," Hanji says.

"Do I?" Erwin asks in that way that always infuriated her when they argued before.

"Don't play dumb with me Erwin, I'm not in the mood for it," she tells him.

"Well why don't we make it simpler for the both of us and you tell me why you're here and why you're so upset," Erwin says.

If looks could kill he would be a pile of smouldering ash in his desk chair as Hanji's eyes burn him with a murderous rage that makes her terrifyingly sexy. "I will kill you," she hisses at him.

"Sweetheart you've been trying for years and never succeeded, what makes you think you can now?" He knows he's gotten to her with that as her eyes dart over his desk for something to hurt him with. Her eyes fall on the letter opener and, without hesitation, she reaches for it. Erwin is too quick for her and it's out of her grasp before her fingers close around it. "Now, now let's not get too nasty, you don't want things to get personal."

"You made them personal!" Hanji snarls, still glaring at him.

"If you say so."

"Yes you did when you started trying to poach my staff!" Hanji all but screams and Erwin is almost certain that Sasha, Krista and Annie will be able to hear (and are all probably listening to boot).

"Oh is that what this is about?" Erwin asks, feigning surprise "I thought I'd done something terrible the way you're going on."

"Fucking excuse me!" Hanji growls. "You don't poach other people's staff!"

"I haven't ever seen this rule written down anywhere before," Erwin says, still with the calm cool exterior that infuriates Hanji to the point of wanting to choke him.

"Because it's an unwritten rule you uninspiring wet fish," Hanji growls.

"What if I want to branch out and get myself some sexy guys to go with my sexy girls?" Erwin asks.

"That doesn't mean you can poach my staff!" Hanji cries. "Jean and Connie are off limits!"

"Would Reiner be interested?"

"Him too!"

"Why?"

"Because they're mine!"

Erwin tuts, shaking his head. "Humans aren't possessions Hanji, you should know this."

In a fit of pure white hot rage Hanji lunges over the desk and grabs Erwin by the collar. She looks ready to murder and he has to try not to smile otherwise she really will kill him for sure. He'd never admit it but she's fucking gorgeous when she's angry and it's partly that why he married her in the first place.

"Listen here you fuck," she hisses, her voice low and dangerous, "if I catch you anywhere near my establishment or my staff again I will end your life with something dull and rusty."

"Temper, temper," Erwin chuckles.

"I fucking swear Smith!"

"Fine," he says pretending to relent, "I'll stay away, there's no need to get nasty."

"When you're involved there is."

"I promise I won't come near your establishment or your staff but if they chose to get back to me about my offer then there's nothing I can do about that," Erwin continues as if Hanji hadn't spoken.

"They won't," Hanji assures him. " _They're_ actually loyal."

"Oh come now Hanji when you say it like that you make it sound like I was unfaithful," Erwin says.

"Actually no I will give you that as the one thing you didn't fuck up about our marriage," Hanji says actually sounding surprised.

"So if I'm not allowed near your establishment or staff then we need to decide which one of us is getting Levi," Erwin says, that grin back again.

"What?"

"Which one of us is getting Levi in the divorce," Erwin says again. "If I can't go near your staff and he works for you then you'll have to offer me something in return." That will get under her skin, any mention of Levi going between the two of them will rile Hanji up in the worst way possible because it always does when the fact that Levi still spends time with Erwin is bought up.

"Is this a joke to you?" she asks.

"Of course not," he replies. "It's a simple question that we need to consider."

"There is nothing to consider!"

"Maybe we should ask Levi," Erwin says. "I'm sure we could come to some kind of arrangement of joint custody for him."

"I can't believe I actually thought for one second that you might take this seriously!" Hanji moans, throwing her hands up before covering her face with them. "I can't believe I was stupid enough to think I could actually have a sensible conversation with you. I should have learned my lesson but I didn't and I'm a complete idiot."

"So is that a no on joint custody?" Erwin asks with a shit eating grin.

"You know what, I think I'm done talking to you, you utter bastard."

"Oh that's a shame," Erwin says, pretending to pout at her because he knows that it will just get her even more riled up.

Hanji slams her hands down on the desk and leans in close to his face. "This isn't over."

She turns and begins to storm out of the office but when she tries the handle the door won't budge. She rattles it but still nothing happens. The rage is building and she knows that she's going to explode if she doesn't get out of this office soon.

"What the fuck?"

The tannoy in Erwin's office, normally unused, crackles to life. "I'm going to assume that the two of you can hear me and Erwin's not completely cheap," Levi's voice says over the system. "Now I hope the two of you are happy staying in there because the door is locked and it's not opening again until you two have sorted your shit out."

"Levi Ackerman I swear to god if you do not open this door in the next thirty seconds I will string you up and watch you choke to death," Hanji snarls, banging on the door, all the rage completely back.

"I'm assuming that's Hanji banging on the door, demanding to be let out but I'm afraid it's not happening," Levi says through the tannoy. "You can waste your breath trying to convince me one way or the other but you might as well just have it out with each other because I can't hear a damn word you're saying."

"Levi!" Hanji screams, pounding the door again.

"Levi this isn't funny," Erwin says.

"Now you may not like it but neither do I frankly," Levi says. "I'm fucking sick of your shit so you can come out when you want to behave like adults so sort yourselves out because it's the only way you're leaving that office."

"Levi I'm serious now," Erwin says, all joviality now gone from his voice. "This isn't funny, let us out this instant or so help me..."

"Right you guys figure it out, I'm going for lunch," Levi says. "I'll be back in half an hour to see if you've calmed down."

The tannoy clicks off leaving Erwin and Hanji alone in silence, Hanji seething by the door and Erwin still sitting behind his desk, equally angry. Neither of them can believe that Levi has the audacity to do this but at the same time this is entirely something that he _would_ do. Erwin knows that he should say something, Hanji sure as hell isn't going to start the conversation any time soon. At the same time though he will be in the firing line if he says _anything_ right now. If he thought she was angry before then she will actually be out for blood now.

However when the silence stretches on for too long Erwin finally clears his throat. "So..."

"Don't you say a fucking word," Hanji snarls.

"Why not?" Erwin asks.

"Because I don't even want to look at you right now let alone talk to you," Hanji says.

"Well what do you expect to do," Erwin says, his own irritation starting to get the better of him. "We're stuck in here for the foreseeable future so we might as well do something while we are."

"Try to get out," Hanji offers and, personally she thinks that should be fucking obvious.

"And how do you suggest we do?" Erwin asks. "Break the door down?"

"Yes."

"With what?"

"Well your head is a good start."

"Rude," Erwin snorts.

"Could you not, for once?" Hanji asks, finally turning to face him. "I had enough of this when we were married."

"And you were such a saint?" Erwin asks in return.

"I'm not saying I was but you seemed more than happy to sign the divorce papers I sent you and send them off," Hanji says.

"No I didn't," Erwin tells her.

That stops Hanji dead in her tracks. Whatever she expected Erwin had been about to say it sure as hell hadn't been that. "What?"

"What do you mean 'what'?" Erwin asks, almost sounding bored. He's certain that he's going to have to spell it out for her otherwise she's not going to believe him. At the same time, though, he doesn't feel like making it easy for her.

"What did you just say?" Hanji asks, staring at him in wide eyed confusion.

"Hanji..."

"No, don't try and brush me off," she says, "just now, what did you just say to me?"

"I said that I didn't send off the divorce papers," Erwin says.

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want to."

"I don't believe you," Hanji says after a long pause.

"Why not?"

"Because..." She's got no answer and Erwin allows a sense of triumph to set in.

He opens his desk drawer and pulls out the divorce papers Levi had found, gets to his feet and strides round to the other side so that he can hand them to her. "If you really don't believe me, have a look for yourself."

Hanji stares at the papers, her eyes glancing over the words she remembers reading so frequently until she gets to the signatures at the bottom. Sure enough hers is there, so is Erwin's but they've been sitting in his desk for god knows how long. "What the hell Erwin?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"It was a ridiculous fight, I couldn't let everything we had to go to waste because of one fight," Erwin says.

"It wasn't just one though," Hanji counters.

"One or one thousand it doesn't change the fact that I love you and we're good together," Erwin says.

"But this doesn't change anything," Hanji tells him.

"Protest all you want, you know that I'm right," Erwin says, closing the distance between them.

"But..."

"Shut up," Erwin says and finally closes the distance between their lips.

At first Hanji is too stunned to do anything. She can't even remember the last time Erwin kissed her let alone the last time she actually enjoyed it but it feels so good to have his lips against hers again. She lets the divorce papers slip through her fingers where they are trampled underfoot as Erwin backs her up until she's pressed against the door. Still too stunned to do anything she allows Erwin's lips to press against hers again before he gives her bottom lip a gentle nip with his teeth and she suddenly comes back to herself.

Raising her hand back she slaps him hard across the face, breaking the kiss. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Before Erwin can answer and in complete contradiction with her actions she grabs his face and pulls him back in for another kiss, one that she has complete control over.

Or so she thinks.

Within seconds Erwin grabs her wrists and pulls her hands from his face before pinning them against the door. As he pulls away from her lips he takes her bottom lip in his teeth and drags them over it, making her moan.

"What was that darling, I almost didn't hear you," he says with a smirk.

"Go fuck yourself," she snarls trying to pulls her wrists out of his grip but she had forgotten how freakishly strong he is.

Erwin leans close to her ear so she can feel his breath fanning across her neck. "I could fuck you instead."

A shiver passes through Hanji's entire body as Erwin takes her earlobe between his teeth and bites down. A low groan sounds from the back of her throat that she can't be bothered to fight, it feels way too good. Erwin's hands move her wrists above her head and pin them against the door with one of his. _Oh god!_ She'd let herself forget just how good he made her feel and all pride has been lost.

"Fuck..." she gasps as Erwin's lips move down her neck, the hand not pinning her slipping down to the waistband of her jeans. She lets her head fall back against the door as Erwin skilfully undoes the button and zip before slipping into both her jeans and her underwear. It tears another groan from her throat as his fingers find her clit and begin to tease it.

"Do you want to?" he asks, breath hot and heavy in her ear. "Do you want to feel my cock again?"

"Yes!" Hanji cries. "Shut the fuck up and get on with it!" She's wound so tightly and she needs him to not be such a fucking tease for once.

"As you wish," Erwin whispers in her ear before pressing a heated kiss to her lips.

Letting go of her wrists he drops his hands down to her backside, grabbing a firm handful before grabbing the back of her thighs and lifting her off her feet. Hanji wraps her arms around his neck to steady herself as he carries her over to his desk. With a sweep of his arm all the clutter falls to the floor and he places her down on top of it. Strong fingers sink into her hair and pull her in for another kiss, making her grab at his collar. Insistent hands move down to her waist to begin trying to pull her jeans and underwear down.

"Wait," Hanji says, breaking the kiss and panting for breath as if she's just run a marathon.

"What for?" Erwin asks, also sounding suitably out of breath as he takes in the sight of her: messy hair, kiss swollen lips and a stunning dusting of pink across her cheeks.

"Let me take these off," Hanji says and hastily starts to remove her boots. It doesn't take her that long before they're off and have dropped to the floor. Once they're gone she slips both her jeans and underwear off so that she's naked from the waist down. "Okay, that's fine, carry on."

"Wait, not quite," Erwin says seeming to mull something over as he looks her up and down.

"What do you mean?" Hanji asks.

By way of an answer Erwin grabs the bottom of Hanji's shirt and rips it open in a frantic flurry of buttons, exposing her chest. "That's better," he says with a smirk.

"You ripped my shirt!" Hanji cries indignantly.

"You look much better like this," Erwin says before dipping his head to press kisses to the swell of her breasts.

Hanji sinks her fingers into his hair, letting his undercut scratch against her palm. It feels phenomenal and everything that he's doing to her – stroking the fingers of one hand up the inside of her thigh while the fingers of the other toy with one of her nipples through her bra. Hanji lets her head fall back, reeling from the sensation and Erwin takes this as his opportunity to reach up and pull the tie out of her hair, letting it fall about her shoulders like liquid mahogany.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers and it makes her heart stop to hear just how sincere he sounds.

He pulls away from her lips and sinks to his knees in front of her and begins pressing kisses up the inside of her thigh, letting his teeth graze against heated skin. Overly sensitive, she tries to close her legs but Erwin grabs her thighs and forces them apart, keeping them apart. His grip is strong and unrelenting and Hanji can feel herself trembling with desire.

Erwin doesn't leave her waiting or long before his tongue slips out and he buries his face in her cunt. A strangled groan rips from Hanji's throat as his tongue flicks over her clit. Her fingers sink into his hair, pressing his face closer as his tongue teases and tantalises her. She'd forgotten how good he is at this and before long she can already feel herself teetering on the edge.

"Fuck, Erwin," she groans, fingers tightening in his hair again as his tongue flicks over her clit just right. She's right there, so close to being lost in bliss but before she can really enjoy it Erwin pulls back and suddenly stops. Hanji's eyes snap open and, filled with a fury that could rival hell itself, glares down at him but he only smirks in return.

"Problem?" he asks.

"Why did you stop?"

Erwin takes hold of her wrists, pulling her hands from his hair and gets to his feet. He towers over her and it makes her heart pound in her chest. "Don't think you're the only one who gets to have some fun here."

His lips are on hers before she can reply and she moans into his mouth as she tastes herself on his tongue. Reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck she feels his strong hands grip her thighs. Erwin lifts her, stepping backwards so that he can collapse in his desk chair, her thighs straddling his waist. With their lips still attached he reaches down to undo his belt.

"God I've missed having you on top of me," he hisses as he works his cock free from the confines of his trousers.

"Are you going to keep talking or are you going to fuck me?" Hanji asks as she hastily undoes the buttons of his shirt, ignoring the heat creeping up the back of her neck.

"Patience, my dear," Erwin chuckles but judging by the way his cock twitches as she grinds down, rubbing her cunt over him, he's running out of patience as well.

"Fuck being patient," she pants in his ear before taking the lobe between her teeth and biting down.

"Aww have you missed me that much?" Erwin asks, his tone mocking but the panting giving him away.

Hanji reaches down to pump Erwin's cock, making him throw his head back and moan. "Seems like you missed me enough yourself so shut up."

"Yes ma'am," Erwin chuckles.

Wasting no more time he wheels his chair forward and opens the top drawer of his desk, routing around until he finds what he's looking for. He pulls out the condom and hastily begins undoing the packet in order to slip in onto himself.

"Classy," Hanji says looking over her shoulder at the open desk drawer.

"What?" Erwin chuckles.

"Just you keeping condoms in your desk drawer," she says although privately she's glad that he did have some.

"What can I say?" Erwin says with a shrug. "I've been hoping that you'd stop by for a while now."

"So was all that just a ploy to get me over here so that we could fuck?"

"Among other things."

"So fuck me before I change my mind," Hanji tells him although the way she's clinging to him speaks volumes – she's not going anywhere any time soon.

Without any further teasing Erwin finishes coating himself in latex, takes hold of Hanji's hips and guides her down onto his cock. Being inside her once again feels absolutely amazing and he lets his head fall back against his desk chair. He looks up at her and marvels at how beautiful she is – mouth open and eyes closed as she begins to ride him. He can't believe that he ever let this goddess walk out of his life but now that she's back in his arms again he's not going to let her go a second time.

He wraps his arms around her, pulling her down into a heated kiss as he continues to fuck up into her. She feels amazing, hot and wet and clenching around him with each thrust. One hand slips into her hair to keep their lips attached while the other reaches down to find her clit. Hanji moans into his mouth as they kiss, the speed of her hips increasing as Erwin pushes her closer and closer to the edge.

"I... I'm gonna cum," she gasps, breaking their kiss for a second before diving back in for another. Just as her entire body tenses and she feels the pleasure being to crash over her Erwin pulls back from her lips so that he can whisper in her ear.

"I love you."

Her eyes snap open at the words and she clings to Erwin as she feels him reach his own peak beneath her. _Did he just..._ Before she can ask Erwin pulls her back in for another kiss.

"Did you mean that?" she asks as she pulls back.

"What?" Erwin asks, brushing her hair out of her face.

"Don't be cute," she tells him, batting his hand away. "Do you still love me?"

"Yes."

"Oh..." She doesn't know if she can say it back but the fact that they're still married does change how she feels about him. _Maybe I was too hasty asking for a divorce..._ "So where do we go from here?" she asks after a pause.

"Wherever you want," Erwin says before pulling her in for another long, slow kiss.

* * *

Outside the office Sasha and Krista are staring at the closed door. All previous noise has vanished and it's now just deathly quiet.

"Do you think she killed him?" Sasha asks.

"I hope not," Krista replies.

"Should we go and check?" Sasha asks nervously.

"I'd rather not."

Annie, who by this point is beginning to get annoyed at being left to do all the work, strolls over. "Are you two going to stare at the door all afternoon or are you actually going to do something to help me?"

"We're trying to work out if they're still alive in there," Sasha says jerking her head towards the door.

"What?"

"Yeah they've been in there for ages," Krista says, "what the heck are they doing?"

Annie eyes her suspiciously. _Does she really not know?_ "Oh my sweet summer child..."

"Should one of us go in there and see if they're okay?" Sasha asks although having no intention of going in herself.

"Why don't you guys take the rest of the day off," a voice says from behind them and the three of them turn to see Levi standing behind them.

"Are you sure Mr Ackerman?" Krista asks.

"Yeah sure," Levi says with a shrug.

"But won't Mr Smith–" Sasha begins.

"I'll sort him out, don't worry," Levi tells them. "You go and enjoy the rest of your day."

The girls don't need to be told twice and before long Levi is on his own. He can just about catch the underlying hint of sweat and sex coming from Erwin's office and he chuckles dryly to himself, shaking his head.

"Fucking finally."


End file.
